In short

photo via weheartit.com

My blog is currently under construction. As are a lot of things. I, myself, am under construction. It seems like deja vu at this point, because I remember this happening about a year ago. They do say that history tends to repeat itself. I feel that if I continue this on any further, my plans and thoughts will grow less fond, and disintegrate. I can do this, I know I can. I'm still young, and I know what I'm doing.

For once.

Teenage years: 3

I miss you- Blink-182

When people's quest for love turns into a quest for lust, souls and feelings are lost, not found. I'm not one of those 'I hate everyone' people, nor do I even hate many at all, but things like this are irrefutably disgusting. You promise your loyalty to someone, then throw it away in a split second. I never have, nor do I ever think I will be able to understand how someone can change so violently quick when it comes to matters so serious. I do wonder, though, if they ever miss who they were and what they had. And while this has never happened to me, for I do not have interest in relationships when there is so much else to do, many, too many of my friends have had this happen to them. I can't say I'm sick of it, because it does not directly affect me. But in a way, it does. I need them to be happy, so I can be happy. My closest friends are my light and my smiles. When they cry, I hug them and cry just as hard. All loyalty gone, thrown out the window. I cannot say that the men are completely in the wrong, though. The young women who choose to be this way have just as much fault. I'm sure you all know by now the key word this is all describing: cheating. True, it's a far darker subject than any I've ever covered, but it needed to be done. I wish everyone could learn to love, but in a friendly, fair way. No one deserves to be hurt. In the end, both ends of the spectrum die cold anyway.

Golden Road

My future is something that still, forever frightens me. It was mentioned in my last post, as well. But I cannot get it out of my mind, recently. Everything about it. Even today, I understood everything we played in band, but couldn't manage to follow along with the chemistry teachings. More frustrating yet are the happenings like when you perfectly understand the old arithmetic from previous weeks, but the new one that just adds 3 extra steps is like another language. I don't understand how any of this works, but I'm alright with that. All I want to understand is that I'm going somewhere. Somewhere nice. How do I know I will be any different than John Lennon, or the postwoman, or the homeless gent on Dale Mabry? Maybe I'm not too different than any of them at all, it's just a matter of perceiving everything. So, keeping my chin up, I anticipate the new, happy road.

Mutual

I've been recently reminded of times when I actually had ambitions. When I knew where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, and who I thought I was going to be. I have a pretty general idea of the previously listed, but what is there really? I have dreams of travelling abroad, learning foreign tongues, and studying all kinds of new topics and philosophies. Now I feel empty. As though the rest of the world holds higher expectations than I could ever possibly reach. 'Back in the day', as our elders say, things were simpler. Getting into a university was still a fair sum of money, but grades and extra curricular activities never seemed to count as significantly. It's not as though I don't work my hardest, I do. But I have no drive, if that makes sense. I want to get out of this dumpy town and fulfill what I believe I ought, but when I look around and do research on how that will happen, everything dies. When we were younger, we would shout things out such as 'Astronaut!', 'Fireman!', 'Movie star!', 'The president!', 'Barbie!' when asked what we wanted to be when we were of age. Why is the mentality different? As it seems, modern-day pressures are sitting on me like stone.

The Doctor?

The Doctor.

Doctor, who?

Exactly.

Emily's been over, and we've done nothing but scroll around the web, eat, and watch Dr. Who episodes. I enjoy having friends that share the same name. Birds of a feather? I don't know. But she lifted my spirits after a total crap-time at home. She's cool. I like her a lot.

Oh, and we had fish sticks and custard. Boo-yah.

Essences

Sometimes I think everything moves backwards. In a way where the birds don't sing in the mornings, but instead hum lightly or not at all. Believing that it may not be worth it, or that the day is too dull. I don't really understand how people think some days are more deserving than others. If you've ever heard the phrase 'Carpe Diem' and how drastically it's been changed to 'Live life to the fullest' or something cliché to the effect of 'Live, Laugh, Love', you understand what I mean. It's as though they expect more from you. To be happy and full of laughter when there's really nothing too extraordinary to be happy about. Then when you're sad, they say to be chipper and look up, because life is grand. You do so, then they reprimand you for being foolish and naive because others around you are suffering. I feel as though the world is a hypocrite. You can never do anything right in it's eyes, because time is backwards. Sometimes I think everything moves backwards.

Turning over

Today was great. I even got to spend it with at a birthday party with a close friend. I ate good food, met new people, and played around in some of the few decent places in my town. Horses, loud whistles and seagulls were heard as only background noise to the screeches and laughter of children at the near-by playground. And for once, the cake at the party was really nice! Even now, I'm chilling at another friend's house, having a fun time. This is a change. And while there are few minutes left, I'm ending this strangely happy and not-so-strangely boring post with a very happy birthday to Elvis Presley and David Bowie.

Two-thousand and eleven.

2010

A year of coming back from rock-bottom. I suppose I wouldn't really start my year until around February, but regardless, 2010 was a great year. Not fabulous or extraordinary, but it was a wonderful time. I discovered a lot. About what I was capable of, how deeply others around me could or couldn't affect me, and what I could do to better myself. Most everything about last year was nothing short of wonderment. The amount of things I learned and what I came back from astounds and thrills me. I'm so glad to be where I am now, and to have spent my new years with wonderful people. This year, I can feel it, will be even better. Hopefully, of course.